I am depressed?

I think I am depressed. Nah, I am depressed.

There's no point in hiding it, I guess. But, I just can't bring myself to just tell everyone that I'm sick and just make everyone worried. It's even worse that way. It'll probably be the last thing that I ever want to happen, which is why the idea of suicide or even my death would be out of the question. Chill guys. I'm not THAT sick, aite. =D

Is it this campus life that I'm sick of probably? Or maybe it's just my club activities? Or rather it is something entirely different? Maybe I'm just homesick huh. Every time I'd open my Facebook, Twitter or stuff like that, it'll probably end up with me being all shitty like this. Maybe, it takes time, but, eventually.

I used to think that I was a happy and bright person. Now, I just don't give a shit. I just hate myself. That is probably it. Alone, I just crumble like a cookie doused in milk. But, why I don't really show this to my family, friends or people, is a mystery. Do I want to show them that I am strong? Or do I just fear the idea of being thought of as a weak one. Maybe it is just the same thing, those two. If there is a light, then there'd be a shadow, as they say. Which reminds me that I used to firmly believe that there was always 2 sides about everything; just like a coin.

For the past 2 years, I have probably been trying to cut ties with all my past, so that I could move on with the present as a normal, functioning human being. Because if I didn't, I'd be dead sooner than I already predicted. It's hard when you are the kind of person where you live your life as if you had to live it for someone else's sake. Unless there is actually someone, you'd always feel and see yourself half-empty, and not half-full. And so I did abandon my past. For a while. Sometimes I do get reminded. But just as long as they are just being nothing but simply reminders, it feels like it's all gonna be alright. Smooth sailing wasn't meant for huh.

Eventually, some things just do find their way back. Like they never left at all in the first place. Hiding somewhere. Just waiting for all the right moment to appear again. Or the wrong one. All those good old days. Those priceless moments where you feel invincible. All the bonds that you made with your so-called soulmates, best friends, lovers, and so-on. It's all good you know, all these memories. But memories.... are just memories, in the end. Together, with someone, it'll be cherished, maybe immortalized. Alone, with nobody around you, it'll just be another sad reflection of the days that had went by blissfully, stuck on playback mode indefinitely.

It's been a while.

It's been a while.

Been 2 years actually, and you are still alive. Congratulations.

And....some things have changed.

You've started to realize that you aren't really a nice person. But, by no means that you also think you are a horrible person. You realize that, you, and everybody else in this retarded little world, are human. Thus, we make mistakes. We aren't perfect. And I admit it as well. Mistakes make you stronger, wiser and a better person, supposedly.

But, what does being strong actually mean? You went to being alone and left behind all those that was with you. Some people call it running, but could you actually run away without any courage? That's what you did 2 years ago. You came to a foreign land, got separated from everybody and had to make your way again to your own haven. You thought you'd found it at first, but....looks was deceiving you. You were lonely, I guess.

You'd meet all kinds of people. Groups, ethnics, clicks, you name it. Been to almost every one of them. And you'd fall for all of them. Get torn apart while in the making. You'd wonder who you actually are from time to time. That's where you'd start to actually lose yourself. Be careful.

And after all these years. Thought you'd forgotten about it. Love can be torturing, especially when you're the non-receiving part of it. All these feelings, that you've kept away hidden subconsciously this whole time, rose up from the deepest, darkest parts of my heart which I didn't even knew of, and came spewing about like a fucking angry volcano. Painful, nostalgic, but pure feelings just came and tried to sweep you away.

Why can't you just move on. There's just nothing left for you but to just add more salt to the wound. You're just slowly killing yourself, and you know it.....but it's just the way you are. And I'm getting weaker as well. I might as well just disappear.

Eastern Youth - 夜明けの歌(Yoake no Uta)

「....逃げても、逃げても、逃げても、朝がくる。涙が、止まらない......」

I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

This is a post/blog where all my crap goes.

Today I went to lunch with her, not expecting any troubles, and since it HAS been a while since we had lunch together at Mid. Everything went fine up till halfway through the day.
I know I recently said to her that I'd start on being a better friend, and try to slowly let go of it. And I've been doing fine up till the last few days. It seems that sitting idly at home not doing anything makes me prone to relapse. Which is what happened. I don't think I was myself for the last few days. Wake up at noon, eat something, then sleep some more. Then wake in the night, surf the net, and make myself think some more. I think it was the songs that made me relapse. It's not that I want to hear those kinda songs; I just so happen to set my mp3 on random mode, and the ones that came out really gave me a headache, heartache whatever.
Apparently, the song was: Maroon 5 - ~Rag Doll~ and ~Sweetest Goodbye~
Then I was like, nah, kankei naindeshou. Then the rest of the way, was more of something like that.
In short, that night didn't end up well.
And today we went to have lunch, nice sushi place by the way, almost missed it caused it was kinda unorthodox-looking shop. After eating, we went to take a stroll. Then along the way, I find my hand itching again. I know, I SUCK. I was thinking, that maybe I shouldn't do this anymore. No matter what I say or do, it'll end up the same and I won't get anywhere. I realized because, this isn't Osaka anymore. And we both did agree not to do anything stupid anymore, so I get it. But getting it and controlling your emotions, especially if you're the emotionally driven idiot like me, are two different matters. So it ended up again me being quiet and not wanting to look at her throughout the trip back. I'd doubt that she didn't notice it; she knows me too well I guess. I just hope she isn't bothered much by this.
I just don't know what I should do now. Or even what is what. Who everybody is. Or rather, who I am to everyone else. Fuck it lah.